What are the Five Stages of Grief?

What is Grief and How is it Processed? 

There is a school of thought that believes when we grieve; we go through a process that helps us grow. This, of course, applies to the passing of a close friend or loved one, but also in other areas of our life where we have the potential for loss – in relationships, with employment, and even the loss of a favorite object. It boils down to being able to handle and walk through the five stages of grief. These stages of grief were introduced to the psychology world in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and have become a steadfast model for teaching coping skills in counseling sessions and with psychologists and psychiatry.

It’s important to know as you are reading this that these stages often come out of order and at different intensities for different people. This is not a stone model or a rigid guideline. Many people do not have the luxury of time to analyze their feelings on the matter of grief continually and may linger in one stage or another for a long time before he or she moves on. All of these feelings are perfectly okay and normal.

First, it’s Denial and Isolation Denial is a defense mechanism. 

“This isn’t happening” or “This isn’t real” is a widespread feeling when dealing with grief. If your loved one is terminally ill, you may feel these feelings before the person even passes. If you are grieving something that does not deal with the death of a person (such as the end of a relationship), you may feel these feelings during the loss process. The loss is numbing, and denial of the event is a great way to put off those hard-to-accept feelings. If we can’t feel it, it isn’t happening, and if it isn’t happening, we don’t have to feel it. Denial is often the way that we cope with not being able to control the situation, and how we carry on at the beginning of our grief.

Next Comes Anger
Unfortunately, when you ignore your feelings, they still don’t go away. Anger is associated with guilt and the vulnerability that we feel – innately we know that there is strength in rage, so in our loss, we channel those feelings of loss and weakness into misdirected anger. Whether it be directed at inanimate objects or loved ones that we lost, the relationship, or other people. We feel guilty for feeling angry and then more angry for feeling guilty. This is a very vicious cycle.

 
What if? Bargaining can be a Tricky Stage
It can occur before a person passes and when dealing with relationships, it is often first. What if we handle it this way? Why isn’t there more time? What if? Why didn’t I? These are all questions that we ask ourselves and others when in the bargaining stage. We might make secret deals with a higher power or try or feel guilty that there was little that could be done. This often cycles back into anger and depression.

The Deep Depression
Two types of depression come with grief. One is blatant, sadness that blindsides us with the knowledge that something is missing from our lives. There is no time limit at this stage, and it can start immediately, before during, and after your initial loss. The other kind is a more subtle interpretation of depression and reflects our private separation from the person or objects lost. It is internal and more private. Reassurance at this stage is crucial, so being present for someone who is grieving is essential.

 
Finally, Acceptance
At the end of your stages, we have acceptance. There is no timeline for acceptance, and it may take many years before someone reaches this point. Sometimes, it doesn’t happen, especially if the death is sudden or the loss of the relationship is particularly painful. This phase is marked by calm and withdrawal from grieving. Again, some people don’t get to this stage, but also, sometimes it is accepted before the person passes or the relationship ends. Coping with loss is no easy task, and it can take time.

You won’t go straight through the stages of grief – you may find them combined or out of order and that’s okay. Seeing professional help is an excellent way to sort out feelings that you are unable to control.

Reference:
Kessler, David. (n.d.). The Five Stages of Grief. Retrieved from https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/